This whole forgetful nature of mine is really getting to be a major source of stress now. It was always there with me. I remember being this way ever since I can remember. Papa beat me to death on this while growing up, but I wonder why I have never been able to correct myself on this. Its as if there is a chip in my brain thats been defective since birth.
Leaving the bicycle after taking it to a shop. Buying Sugar instead of Salt. Leaving my bag back in school and coming home. Been doing this ever since I can remember.
And I'm still goofing around with this. Left G's goggles in the car and gave it for servicing. Gave her an incorrect time for the flight. She keeps fighting with me on this and treats me like a completely useless guy. Just like how pa has always treated me while growing up. But I really dont know what to do about it.
I know from a third persons POV (like what Pa and G are) it really does seem like I am one crazy careless guy. But I dont know how to correct it.
If I actually break it down and dig deep into the problem, my explanation is something like this. My brain seems to require an excessive amount of relaxation. Far more than todays career centric environment allows you to be. Its why I have always required more sleep than any of my friends while growing up. Its why I used to have the craziest headaches every time I pushed myself more than I should be. So what happens now is that my brain is constantly working when it needs to be, like at work and stuff, and the moment it finds an opportunity to relax, it just switches off. So I instantly forget things. I forget the security procedure after collecting the boarding pass at new airports. I miss out on small things if I have not done them before and if I am not aware of the routine. I rely on 'flow' more than being conciously aware of what I am doing. Brain just doenst seems to work at all times I am awake. I needs to rest even when I doing regular work, and the moment it gets an opportunity (not focussing at while staring into my laptop) it decides to switch off. Or rather, work in sort of a semi-hibernation mode, where 'flow' kicks in, and in case of a routine not done before, tends to goof up.
But thing is, other people can understand or fathom this even. And in the process, I keep pissing them off.
I dont know, I'm probably still just giving excuses here. But even just today morning, I openend my bag and didnt find the laptop there and immeditaly got stressed thinking if I have lost it, when I had actually just taken it out yesterday to work on it. Just completely slipped my mind for a second that I had taken it out, and ended up stressing myself out more.
And all this stress is also not good for me. I'm stressing myself more lately coz the stakeholders have increased. When I was young, only Pa cared. Now there is G, G's family, my family, ppl at work. All getting affected because of my absent mindedness, which makes me berate myself more everytime I screw, which increases stress, and all because of that dam defective chip!
People always blamed me for 'selective hearing'. I managed to prove through medical tests that I indeed have a hearing problem. Really wish I could do the same here as well. But will not change anything anyway. G still has a problem when I dont hear her properly. Proving that I have a dysfunctional brain is not gonna get me any brownie points either.
So basically I am in a state of impending doom. I will continue to not hear, continue to be absent minded. Will continue to try not to be, but may not be able to escape what is medically a shortcoming in me, and continue to piss people off, continue to increase my stress levels.
wow!
